i'm going through some old blog posts from a previous site and found this little gem i wrote around 2 years ago. it hits me hard, and it is just as true today as it was then:


i find myself often dreaming of your smile... i already know how it makes me feel inside, i just can't wait to see what form it will take.

i'm in love with your infectious personality. you bring light and life into every room you enter... it makes me beam with pride.

i love that you love me even when i am not at my best. i love that i can tell you anything without fear of rebuke or disapproval. believe me, beautiful, i want to be my best for you, but thank you for accepting me even when i am not.

your laugh brightens my life. whenever i hear it, i am assured that life isn't nearly as bad as it can often seem.

i have never questioned your love. thank you for never giving me a reason to.

i see the passion in your eyes... i know that you love what you do and that you mean what you say. i want the best for you, my love, and i am happy when i know you are doing what you love.

i love that we are connected... that i often know what you're thinking before you even say it. i love that when i screw up, you take me back unconditionally... because you know me so well that you accept my apology immediately because you know how bad i feel. thank you for knowing me.

you are my best friend. there is no one else i would rather spend my time with than you.

i don't feel condemned around you... i can be myself. and for some reason, you like it.

i need someone who cares as much for students as i do, and your passsion is just that. knowing that you are counseling so many young girls who need someone to look up to comforts my heart. they will model the best, because that is what you are.

music captures my heart, i love that you recognize how amazing music can be... that's one of many reasons why my heart was captured by you.

i love who i am when i am with you... you bring out the best in me. that is reason enough to stay with you forever.

you've never treated me any less than i deserve, i intend to return that.

you are mine and i am yours. thank you for that peace.

i love you for who you are. now i only need to find you.


i had a lonely night tonight... and it sucked. but there is hope, even when it's not explicitly visible. i pray tonight that God can speak to the heart of my love and tell her i'm coming. i'll be with you soon...

i am truly blessed.

words come slowly.

let me just say that God has been teaching me a lot lately. he has shown me what it means to love, truly love, one another. he has also burdened me, but i recognize that not only is that burden a good thing, it is absolutely crucial. i must be honest, it sucks sometimes. but i have to remind myself that the 'suckiness' of burden is a result of my carnal nature. war breaks out inside of me often. i war against the emotions that cry out to me to say things and do things that are simply not right. i am learning to see things for what they are. through maturity, i am learning to distinguish sinful desire from the Spirit that lives inside of me. it really is a wondrous thing, when you learn about yourself. it's so hard to articulate that which i barely (or in some cases do not yet) know. however, that is the beauty of the journey.

anyone who knows me a smidgen below the surface knows that much of my spiritual development has been led by the music and lyrics of five iron frenzy (and more specifically, reese roper). lately i have been drawn more and more to the song "eulogy" and i am beginning to see the song in a different light. allow me to give the lyrics:

"today, all the sources would agree that the day of their death was a cold, dark day. scuttled ships have blocked the sea and the pallid light of morning melts into an ashy gray. goodbye to everything, sayanora everyone, they are tired... write the eulogy.

no one understood a word they said, hailed them all as kings up upon a pedestal. their names scribbled on a parchment piece would sink like any ship, listing fast from ruptured hull. goodbye to everything, sayanora everyone, they are tired... write the eulogy. and i saw them as they passed, it was like a millstone cast far into the deep, blue sea.

the murky sea is black, dismal, and so deep. millstones rocket through the dark into its icy keep. a resting place for broken ships, a cemetery for the humble... no one's here to make you stumble.

if Jesus Christ is truth, then i am mostly lies. if Jesus Christ is love, then i have failed to try. if Jesus Christ is life, then please just let me die. let. this. die.

and goodbye to everything, sayanora everyone, they are tired... write the eulogy. and i saw them as they passed, it was like a millstone cast far into the deep, blue sea."

obviously there are references here to Luke 17, where Jesus says "It would be better for you to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around your neck than for you to cause one of these little ones to stumble." i used to think this was a song about the fans of five iron frenzy who lauded the band and loved them, yet ignored the message behind their songs. this interpretation is mostly from the verse about nobody understanding a word "they" said. however, i think if one looks deeper there are some definite connotations to sin and sinful nature. there comes a step in the process of spiritual maturity in which an active choice is made to die to sin. Romans 6 is all about dying to sin and being made alive to God in Christ Jesus. there comes a point where you have to let the Spirit take over. this is definitely some of what God is trying to communicate to me.

"If Jesus Christ is life, then please just let me die. Let. This. Die."

thoughts?

i just found a free album online. it's called "strong tower" by tim mcallister and you can download it HERE. here are the lyrics to the title song:


this time, this place, this shirt, this face, this bomb, this plane, this cloud, this rain.
this knife, this meal, this smile, this deal, this drink, this bar, this game, this car.
these are the agents that grow me slowly blind. sewing shut these recently-opened eyes.

this job, this pay, this work, this day, this year, this month, this pile of junk.
this fight, this sigh, this kiss, this lie, this world, this climb, this song, this time.
these are the agents growing me slowly blind. they're sewing shut these recently-opened eyes.

but i keep asking myself... asking myself:

"what shame is there to seek shelter in a strong tower?"


isn't that beautiful? i have found myself directly sympathizing with the tone of this song (minus the kiss part!). there is so much in this world that is designed to sew shut our eyes. it's overwhelming.

how are you?

Hello to all! Yes, that is a picture of my beautiful niece Iris who will turn ONE YEAR OLD on Friday, unbelievable!

This past Saturday night I had the opportunity to see Over the Rhine in concert at the Olde Town School of Folk Music and boy was it an incredible show! If you have the opportunity to see them in concert do so immediately. They create some of the most beautiful music you will ever hear, my highest recommendation! Please check them out and support them in any way possible. If you're in Indiana, they will be in Goshen on December 9 and in Indianapolis on December 12. Trust me, it's well worth the drive!

I am in the library and should be writing a speech outline... but I'm not. Here's my topic:
"In order to be effective and true to its Biblical mandate, the church of today must learn how to effectively communicate with and minister to a postmodern culture that seems foreign."
Do you agree? What do you think?

I recently directed my first ever youth retreat with the Senior High youth group at Kankakee First Church of the Nazarene. I think it really went well. We did things a little differently than most retreats, including watching a movie one night and having live feedback from the students. Have you seen the movie "Thirteen"? It's an incredible insight into what it means to be a teenager in current day America. The pressures and pains are incredible to watch and I really think a lot of teens identified with Tracey, who was the main character in the movie. What I really loved, though, was the input of many adults who were sponsors on the retreat. They had some great insight and, even better, were able to identify with Tracey's mom in the movie. We also utilized some experiential worship times throughout the retreat, had many moments of silence (silence isn't scary!) and joined together in the Eucharist on Sunday morning. I tried my hardest to think through every aspect of the retreat and not do anything for the simple sake of doing it. One question I asked a lot during our preparation time was "What is the difference between intentionality and manipulation?" I would love to hear some responses on this. I wanted to be intentional in everything during our sessions, from what was going on up front, to the layout of the room, to the light levels. When do we become so intentional that we begin to manipulate our students in order to achieve the response we want? The movement of the Holy Spirit requires a voluntary response, how do we create an environment for the Spirit to work without eliminating the voluntary aspect of that response? I don't think we tipped the scales toward manipulation during the retreat, but the question stayed in the back of my mind a lot.

Thanks to Steve Spangenberg, the senior high pastor at Kankakee First for believing in me enough to allow me to take ownership of this retreat. The faith he put in me allowed me to continue to validate the call of the Holy Spirit upon my life. It was a great experience.

Okay. Back to the grind. I'll try to write in here more often as I continue down this path. Much love to you all!

I'm grooving to Radiohead's "In Rainbows"

it's beautiful


nothing brings me joy like seeing a public safety truck with the "L" scraped off, seriously it makes my day

Growth

Another school year has begun and thus, we have another opportunity to pinpoint areas of growth in our lives. In the past year I have embraced responsibility, felt heartache, been a hypocrite, learned more about what it means to minister to people (especially young ones), learned more about myself and my passions, and focused on developing confidence. Right now I need to learn how to love people better, especially the ones I don't like, and I also need to pray more. One issue I have struggled with lately is holiness. I believe one of our greatest responsibilities is to build and form relationships with others and meet them where they are at and not lord ourselves over them. I also firmly believe that holiness is the best lifestyle one can live. My question is, at what point are you sacrificing your own holiness in order to meet others where they are at? I really don't know the answer to that question...

I get the privilege of being a student mentor to about 25 freshmen this semester and this has turned into one of the areas of my life I most look forward to. We have a great group and I really want to concentrate on how best to minister to these freshmen that I have come to love.

May God continue to bless us through molding us and pruning out our unfavorable characteristics until all that is left of us can be labeled as "Holy." Amen.