the thaw has begun...

i have many thoughts at this moment. i think i can sum them all up with this statement, though: i feel like i am finally thawing out from a deep, deep freeze. i was going through old xanga posts tonight and had mixed feelings. on one hand, i can see in several instances how i have grown up in so many ways since beginning college. i feel that God has instilled upon me an incredible discerning spirit and wisdom that i absolutely know was not present in my character before. i forgive easier, i serve with a much less reluctant heart as before, i see humanity in so many broken people.

however.

the flip side of that coin is that i have lost vision of my own humanity. and i'm talking about a lost vision that has gone back years now.

i can't feel.

or perhaps more clearly: i've forgotten how to feel.

i've tried so hard over these past months and years to focus on others (a step i HAD to take) and yet i feel that i have lost myself in the process. i've learned to disguise my true feelings so well that they themselves are foreign to even me. true, every so often i am confronted with my human condition and brokenness and i have no response other than weeping, but those moments are too few and too far between. now, i'm not saying i want to be an emotional wreck who lives on the highs and lows, all i'm saying is that i want balance.

...and who knows? maybe this is balance. maybe this is who i am supposed to be in this grown-up world. maybe this is how adults deal with their issues. if that is the case, though, i guess this season of my life is my final kick against growing up.

as i said in the beginning, though, i feel i am beginning to thaw... and it feels good. i need to set my focus on a list of goals i set years ago that have slipped from the forefront of my mind:

(reposting them here for history's sake:)

i find myself often dreaming of your smile... i already know how it makes me feel inside, i just can't wait to see what form it will take.

i'm in love with your infectious personality. you bring light and life into every room you enter... it makes me beam with pride.

i love that you love me even when i am not at my best. i love that i can tell you anything without fear of rebuke or disapproval. believe me, beautiful, i want to be my best for you, but thank you for accepting me even when i am not.

your laugh brightens my life. whenever i hear it, i am assured that life isn't nearly as bad as it can often seem.

i have never questioned your love. thank you for never giving me a reason to.

i see the passion in your eyes... i know that you love what you do and that you mean what you say. i want the best for you, my love, and i am happy when i know you are doing what you love.

i love that we are connected... that i often know what you're thinking before you even say it. i love that when i screw up, you take me back unconditionally... because you know me so well that you accept my apology immediately because you know how bad i feel. thank you for knowing me.

you are my best friend. there is no one else i would rather spend my time with than you.

i don't feel condemned around you... i can be myself. and for some reason, you like it.

i need someone who cares as much for students as i do, and your passsion is just that. knowing that you are counseling so many young women who need someone to look up to comforts my heart. they will model the best, because that is what you are.

music captures my heart, i love that you recognize how amazing music can be... that's one of many reasons why my heart was captured by you.

i love who i am when i am with you... you bring out the best in me. that is reason enough to stay with you forever.

you've never treated me any less than i deserve, i intend to return that.

you are mine and i am yours. thank you for that peace.

i love you for who you are. now i only need to find you.

so yes, that is my sappy letter to my future wife. if you are reading this, please know i am coming for you, and i pray every day we will be united sooner rather than later. (and if you aren't her, why are you reading this you perv??)

the thaw has begun. here's to tomorrow.

---------------------
i think i want to post in here more often and from looking at my old xanga posts, i want to start a practice there that was pretty cool. at the end of each of my blog entries i will write a lyric. feel free to guess the song the lyric is from in the comments section. then i will reveal the song at the top of the next post. sound good? okay here is the first one:

"we don't need a lot of money. we'll be sleeping on the beach, keeping the oceans within reach. (whatever private oceans we can conjure up for free...) i will stumble there with you and you'll be laughing close with me, trying not to make a scene... etectera, whatever, i guess all i really mean is we're gonna be alright. yeah, we're gonna be alright. you can close your eyes tonight, because we're gonna be alright.

i still see your eyes... close your eyes. close your eyes."