"I Want To Be Things"

i'm finishing up some final stuff for school and listening to some good music. a lyric just struck me from the song "give up the war" by starflyer 59. the song talks about how the singer (jason martin) has this desire to "be things" and yet always seems to get discouraged by life's circumstances.

"it's simply that i am still afraid, i want to give up the war."

martin talks about some of the biblical characters who never gave up the war, specifically paul. he says he wants to be like paul, he was simply not afraid and never gave up the war. the resolution of the song, though, is nothing extraordinary or mind-blowing... martin just continues to sing "i want to be things, always living, pressing on"

i think there's value in that. our culture thrives on quick fixes and incredible resolutions that tie everything up and make everyone happy at the end of the show or movie. further, it seems that we pursue that and desire that in our everyday lives. i mean, heck, look at the self-help industry! what if that wasn't the right way to live, though? in fact, what if that was the exact opposite of what our response to life should be?

i think hope exists in that place where one has nothing left to do but "press on." otherwise, why would someone choose to continue? i find no hope in a quick fix, nor in a tidy resolution. what if hope existed in difficult situations??? and not that hope that says "oh well, it will get better i promise." no... it's a hope that says "yeah this sucks, but God never said it would be any other way." what if that hope could fuel you in the hard times? it's a hope that causes you to press on. why? because its what we're supposed to do.

"i want to be things, always living, pressing on"

i'm tired

i'm tired of fighting.

why must we always fight? i'm following this whole "expelled" movie thing and it's making me weary. why do we have to fight against culture and against science? why can't we encounter culture without pretense? why must there be an agenda for everything?

i'm tired of setting up boundaries. i'm tired of drawing battle lines. i'm tired of christianity always seeing things with a battle mindset. why are we so insecure? it's like we feel the need to prove our faith right and better than anything else. the thing is, we aren't supposed to! what we're supposed to do is encounter the world and show them the right way to live, and i'll tell you right now... throwing grenades is NOT the right way to live. it's about living life together. its about settling down for a process and not concentrating on getting evangelistic "notches on the belt." the ONLY way to convince people that our way is the right way to live is to live it with them! it's not about setting your friends down, drawing them a nice tidy diagram and leading them in the sinner's prayer. it's about being an example of Christ in ALL things to ALL people. when Jesus ascended, his commission to the disciples was to be his witnesses.

what is a witness? a witness is a testimony. it's a living example of some truth. witnessing isn't canvassing. witnessing isn't starting conversations with people having some sort of ulterior agenda or motive. our example is the witness, not our words.

does this all make sense? we're so damned misguided. and the sad thing is, in the average church, more people would be upset that i said the word "damned" than be upset about the body of Christ not achieving the prerogatives set for us by our Lord. it's not a battle, folks. it's a journey.

let's do this the right way.

"tired heart"

i haven't felt good in months.
the well has run dry all at once.
the habits come easily, but they're so hard to break.
i really need to hear... to hear you say:

"peace be still, I am with you. rest in me for one more night.
peace be still, I am with you. replace your tired heart with mine."

so i'll sing songs of life, for all these broken hearts just like mine.
and i'll lay down all this pride so i can hear you whisper that it's alright.

"peace be still, I am with you. rest in me for one more night.
peace be still, I am with you. replace this tired heart with mine."

i'm so sorry, i haven't come home.

but i'm coming home soon...

i'm going through some old blog posts from a previous site and found this little gem i wrote around 2 years ago. it hits me hard, and it is just as true today as it was then:


i find myself often dreaming of your smile... i already know how it makes me feel inside, i just can't wait to see what form it will take.

i'm in love with your infectious personality. you bring light and life into every room you enter... it makes me beam with pride.

i love that you love me even when i am not at my best. i love that i can tell you anything without fear of rebuke or disapproval. believe me, beautiful, i want to be my best for you, but thank you for accepting me even when i am not.

your laugh brightens my life. whenever i hear it, i am assured that life isn't nearly as bad as it can often seem.

i have never questioned your love. thank you for never giving me a reason to.

i see the passion in your eyes... i know that you love what you do and that you mean what you say. i want the best for you, my love, and i am happy when i know you are doing what you love.

i love that we are connected... that i often know what you're thinking before you even say it. i love that when i screw up, you take me back unconditionally... because you know me so well that you accept my apology immediately because you know how bad i feel. thank you for knowing me.

you are my best friend. there is no one else i would rather spend my time with than you.

i don't feel condemned around you... i can be myself. and for some reason, you like it.

i need someone who cares as much for students as i do, and your passsion is just that. knowing that you are counseling so many young girls who need someone to look up to comforts my heart. they will model the best, because that is what you are.

music captures my heart, i love that you recognize how amazing music can be... that's one of many reasons why my heart was captured by you.

i love who i am when i am with you... you bring out the best in me. that is reason enough to stay with you forever.

you've never treated me any less than i deserve, i intend to return that.

you are mine and i am yours. thank you for that peace.

i love you for who you are. now i only need to find you.


i had a lonely night tonight... and it sucked. but there is hope, even when it's not explicitly visible. i pray tonight that God can speak to the heart of my love and tell her i'm coming. i'll be with you soon...

i am truly blessed.

words come slowly.

let me just say that God has been teaching me a lot lately. he has shown me what it means to love, truly love, one another. he has also burdened me, but i recognize that not only is that burden a good thing, it is absolutely crucial. i must be honest, it sucks sometimes. but i have to remind myself that the 'suckiness' of burden is a result of my carnal nature. war breaks out inside of me often. i war against the emotions that cry out to me to say things and do things that are simply not right. i am learning to see things for what they are. through maturity, i am learning to distinguish sinful desire from the Spirit that lives inside of me. it really is a wondrous thing, when you learn about yourself. it's so hard to articulate that which i barely (or in some cases do not yet) know. however, that is the beauty of the journey.

anyone who knows me a smidgen below the surface knows that much of my spiritual development has been led by the music and lyrics of five iron frenzy (and more specifically, reese roper). lately i have been drawn more and more to the song "eulogy" and i am beginning to see the song in a different light. allow me to give the lyrics:

"today, all the sources would agree that the day of their death was a cold, dark day. scuttled ships have blocked the sea and the pallid light of morning melts into an ashy gray. goodbye to everything, sayanora everyone, they are tired... write the eulogy.

no one understood a word they said, hailed them all as kings up upon a pedestal. their names scribbled on a parchment piece would sink like any ship, listing fast from ruptured hull. goodbye to everything, sayanora everyone, they are tired... write the eulogy. and i saw them as they passed, it was like a millstone cast far into the deep, blue sea.

the murky sea is black, dismal, and so deep. millstones rocket through the dark into its icy keep. a resting place for broken ships, a cemetery for the humble... no one's here to make you stumble.

if Jesus Christ is truth, then i am mostly lies. if Jesus Christ is love, then i have failed to try. if Jesus Christ is life, then please just let me die. let. this. die.

and goodbye to everything, sayanora everyone, they are tired... write the eulogy. and i saw them as they passed, it was like a millstone cast far into the deep, blue sea."

obviously there are references here to Luke 17, where Jesus says "It would be better for you to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around your neck than for you to cause one of these little ones to stumble." i used to think this was a song about the fans of five iron frenzy who lauded the band and loved them, yet ignored the message behind their songs. this interpretation is mostly from the verse about nobody understanding a word "they" said. however, i think if one looks deeper there are some definite connotations to sin and sinful nature. there comes a step in the process of spiritual maturity in which an active choice is made to die to sin. Romans 6 is all about dying to sin and being made alive to God in Christ Jesus. there comes a point where you have to let the Spirit take over. this is definitely some of what God is trying to communicate to me.

"If Jesus Christ is life, then please just let me die. Let. This. Die."

thoughts?

i just found a free album online. it's called "strong tower" by tim mcallister and you can download it HERE. here are the lyrics to the title song:


this time, this place, this shirt, this face, this bomb, this plane, this cloud, this rain.
this knife, this meal, this smile, this deal, this drink, this bar, this game, this car.
these are the agents that grow me slowly blind. sewing shut these recently-opened eyes.

this job, this pay, this work, this day, this year, this month, this pile of junk.
this fight, this sigh, this kiss, this lie, this world, this climb, this song, this time.
these are the agents growing me slowly blind. they're sewing shut these recently-opened eyes.

but i keep asking myself... asking myself:

"what shame is there to seek shelter in a strong tower?"


isn't that beautiful? i have found myself directly sympathizing with the tone of this song (minus the kiss part!). there is so much in this world that is designed to sew shut our eyes. it's overwhelming.

how are you?