"tired heart"

i haven't felt good in months.
the well has run dry all at once.
the habits come easily, but they're so hard to break.
i really need to hear... to hear you say:

"peace be still, I am with you. rest in me for one more night.
peace be still, I am with you. replace your tired heart with mine."

so i'll sing songs of life, for all these broken hearts just like mine.
and i'll lay down all this pride so i can hear you whisper that it's alright.

"peace be still, I am with you. rest in me for one more night.
peace be still, I am with you. replace this tired heart with mine."

i'm so sorry, i haven't come home.

but i'm coming home soon...

i'm going through some old blog posts from a previous site and found this little gem i wrote around 2 years ago. it hits me hard, and it is just as true today as it was then:


i find myself often dreaming of your smile... i already know how it makes me feel inside, i just can't wait to see what form it will take.

i'm in love with your infectious personality. you bring light and life into every room you enter... it makes me beam with pride.

i love that you love me even when i am not at my best. i love that i can tell you anything without fear of rebuke or disapproval. believe me, beautiful, i want to be my best for you, but thank you for accepting me even when i am not.

your laugh brightens my life. whenever i hear it, i am assured that life isn't nearly as bad as it can often seem.

i have never questioned your love. thank you for never giving me a reason to.

i see the passion in your eyes... i know that you love what you do and that you mean what you say. i want the best for you, my love, and i am happy when i know you are doing what you love.

i love that we are connected... that i often know what you're thinking before you even say it. i love that when i screw up, you take me back unconditionally... because you know me so well that you accept my apology immediately because you know how bad i feel. thank you for knowing me.

you are my best friend. there is no one else i would rather spend my time with than you.

i don't feel condemned around you... i can be myself. and for some reason, you like it.

i need someone who cares as much for students as i do, and your passsion is just that. knowing that you are counseling so many young girls who need someone to look up to comforts my heart. they will model the best, because that is what you are.

music captures my heart, i love that you recognize how amazing music can be... that's one of many reasons why my heart was captured by you.

i love who i am when i am with you... you bring out the best in me. that is reason enough to stay with you forever.

you've never treated me any less than i deserve, i intend to return that.

you are mine and i am yours. thank you for that peace.

i love you for who you are. now i only need to find you.


i had a lonely night tonight... and it sucked. but there is hope, even when it's not explicitly visible. i pray tonight that God can speak to the heart of my love and tell her i'm coming. i'll be with you soon...

i am truly blessed.

words come slowly.

let me just say that God has been teaching me a lot lately. he has shown me what it means to love, truly love, one another. he has also burdened me, but i recognize that not only is that burden a good thing, it is absolutely crucial. i must be honest, it sucks sometimes. but i have to remind myself that the 'suckiness' of burden is a result of my carnal nature. war breaks out inside of me often. i war against the emotions that cry out to me to say things and do things that are simply not right. i am learning to see things for what they are. through maturity, i am learning to distinguish sinful desire from the Spirit that lives inside of me. it really is a wondrous thing, when you learn about yourself. it's so hard to articulate that which i barely (or in some cases do not yet) know. however, that is the beauty of the journey.

anyone who knows me a smidgen below the surface knows that much of my spiritual development has been led by the music and lyrics of five iron frenzy (and more specifically, reese roper). lately i have been drawn more and more to the song "eulogy" and i am beginning to see the song in a different light. allow me to give the lyrics:

"today, all the sources would agree that the day of their death was a cold, dark day. scuttled ships have blocked the sea and the pallid light of morning melts into an ashy gray. goodbye to everything, sayanora everyone, they are tired... write the eulogy.

no one understood a word they said, hailed them all as kings up upon a pedestal. their names scribbled on a parchment piece would sink like any ship, listing fast from ruptured hull. goodbye to everything, sayanora everyone, they are tired... write the eulogy. and i saw them as they passed, it was like a millstone cast far into the deep, blue sea.

the murky sea is black, dismal, and so deep. millstones rocket through the dark into its icy keep. a resting place for broken ships, a cemetery for the humble... no one's here to make you stumble.

if Jesus Christ is truth, then i am mostly lies. if Jesus Christ is love, then i have failed to try. if Jesus Christ is life, then please just let me die. let. this. die.

and goodbye to everything, sayanora everyone, they are tired... write the eulogy. and i saw them as they passed, it was like a millstone cast far into the deep, blue sea."

obviously there are references here to Luke 17, where Jesus says "It would be better for you to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around your neck than for you to cause one of these little ones to stumble." i used to think this was a song about the fans of five iron frenzy who lauded the band and loved them, yet ignored the message behind their songs. this interpretation is mostly from the verse about nobody understanding a word "they" said. however, i think if one looks deeper there are some definite connotations to sin and sinful nature. there comes a step in the process of spiritual maturity in which an active choice is made to die to sin. Romans 6 is all about dying to sin and being made alive to God in Christ Jesus. there comes a point where you have to let the Spirit take over. this is definitely some of what God is trying to communicate to me.

"If Jesus Christ is life, then please just let me die. Let. This. Die."

thoughts?